No You Girls

I dreamed about shopping for discount pants

Then as I was looking at pants I found three sets of car keys.

I took them to customer service but they turned into damaged merchandise instead of keys

I kept looking but the store had turned into a grocery store, and I was watching as a guy was held back from accompanying friends into the ladies clothes

I found shorts but the store was suddenly a riot of people protesting something about a reality show. How the verdict was rigged.

I started climbing over the clothes racks to understand what was going on and found that I was part of the group and in protest we began to sing songs of examples of why the people defending the show were wrong. Then we were only singing to one person and it was only a few people with me. This appeared as a long time and when apparently my side got what they wanted, I approached the one guy we were singing to and he turned his ear towards me so I could talk to him more easily about starting a band and when I got close he quickly turned and kissed me. I slapped him and then he kissed me again. It quickly turned into a make out and he went to second base and I pulled away and suddenly I was in a movie and the girl that pulled away wasn’t me and I the director. And the show began to follow a jealous boy that wanted the girl that was kissed, but he was drunk and when he tried to fight the other guy, the boy was struck on the head and suddenly he was dreaming about riding dinosaurs with lots of miles on them and flying around looking for a magic fruit that would make the girl love him because the only reason she had kissed the guy was because she was under a spell. And this was the only way to get her back. It begins to add other characters, and they all go on the journey and when the boy wakes up all his friends he dreamed about are around him and they all wake up. Then there was something about wearing high heels and then I woke up.

Is there a ghost?

Now that it's after spring break I start to feel sick, how fitting.

I messed up on not talking to Rex. I texted him yesterday, I just couldn't help myself. I was reading and a word came along in the book that was sort of an inside joke so I sent it to him. Then he responded... with three smiles . The only reason I would do that was if I really was excited. I just don't want to read too much into this. But it's so easy when left to my own mind.

I'm wondering if i have some mental walls that I've built up. I seem to day dream a lot. I wonder if it's a defense mechanism of mine. Is it so wrong that I don't want to be married to someone that makes me defensive in my own mind. I might as well be trapped and I'm planning my escape. Wish me luck.

Sometimes I don't talk to people so i don't miss them as much. I have a friend in the hospital and I can't tell her that i want to visit her, because i don't want to be disappointed when i can't go. But i'll see her soon enough.

-Band of Horses

Last day of our lives

I'm so confused.

I'm not even sure why it is that i'm starting this except in a moment of inspiration.

But I'm conflicted in so many ways

I'm trying to arrange to leave because i'm tired of getting hurt. But running away halfway across the states makes it hard to just go. I've got responsibilities that I've got to do something about. I'm trying to find my own replacement at work and I don't know where to start. I've got to arrange with my teachers again, so that i can leave before Hub's classes end. In the mean time I have to keep my head so that I don't snap and do or say something that would expose me. I just figured out that Hub's finals are like two weeks before mine. The good news is that this way I can get out of here sooner, the bad news is that I have less time to figure all this out. I really have to talk to Teach. Maybe he can help me.

Despite all this emotional drama, I'm also in love with someone I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. I honestly thought that he still loved me, but now i'm thinking that i made it all up in my head. That he wasn't missing me, and instead he was just looking for a friend. We had dated before, the sweetest two months of my life that I ruined because i was too impatient for him to move back. I miss him so much. But if there is someone still out there for me, well... I hope I don't ruin it like I did with him. I know i'll probably talk about him a lot.. so I'll call him Rex. I told Rex that I didn't know what to say to him anymore, so maybe i shouldn't talk to him. That was two weeks ago and I thought i was doing well, till I dreamed about him again. After what happened with Hub I really needed to talk to someone, and even after I had talked to a few people I still wanted to tell him, because over the last few months we had been so candid with each other, and I wanted to be candid about what Hub did. I feel like I lost a best friend, and I don't know what to do. I know I love him, probably the same way I did when we dated a few years ago... I really miss him.

-Schuyler Fisk