Is there a ghost?

Now that it's after spring break I start to feel sick, how fitting.

I messed up on not talking to Rex. I texted him yesterday, I just couldn't help myself. I was reading and a word came along in the book that was sort of an inside joke so I sent it to him. Then he responded... with three smiles . The only reason I would do that was if I really was excited. I just don't want to read too much into this. But it's so easy when left to my own mind.

I'm wondering if i have some mental walls that I've built up. I seem to day dream a lot. I wonder if it's a defense mechanism of mine. Is it so wrong that I don't want to be married to someone that makes me defensive in my own mind. I might as well be trapped and I'm planning my escape. Wish me luck.

Sometimes I don't talk to people so i don't miss them as much. I have a friend in the hospital and I can't tell her that i want to visit her, because i don't want to be disappointed when i can't go. But i'll see her soon enough.

-Band of Horses

Last day of our lives

I'm so confused.

I'm not even sure why it is that i'm starting this except in a moment of inspiration.

But I'm conflicted in so many ways

I'm trying to arrange to leave because i'm tired of getting hurt. But running away halfway across the states makes it hard to just go. I've got responsibilities that I've got to do something about. I'm trying to find my own replacement at work and I don't know where to start. I've got to arrange with my teachers again, so that i can leave before Hub's classes end. In the mean time I have to keep my head so that I don't snap and do or say something that would expose me. I just figured out that Hub's finals are like two weeks before mine. The good news is that this way I can get out of here sooner, the bad news is that I have less time to figure all this out. I really have to talk to Teach. Maybe he can help me.

Despite all this emotional drama, I'm also in love with someone I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. I honestly thought that he still loved me, but now i'm thinking that i made it all up in my head. That he wasn't missing me, and instead he was just looking for a friend. We had dated before, the sweetest two months of my life that I ruined because i was too impatient for him to move back. I miss him so much. But if there is someone still out there for me, well... I hope I don't ruin it like I did with him. I know i'll probably talk about him a lot.. so I'll call him Rex. I told Rex that I didn't know what to say to him anymore, so maybe i shouldn't talk to him. That was two weeks ago and I thought i was doing well, till I dreamed about him again. After what happened with Hub I really needed to talk to someone, and even after I had talked to a few people I still wanted to tell him, because over the last few months we had been so candid with each other, and I wanted to be candid about what Hub did. I feel like I lost a best friend, and I don't know what to do. I know I love him, probably the same way I did when we dated a few years ago... I really miss him.

-Schuyler Fisk